This is powerful never did l see it this way, at times l never abandoned myself or lessened myself but one thing l can really say is that it was all about being there never thought about myself but l finally realized it when l lost my partner everything stopped and was lost in all of this but l truly can say lm more stable bc 26yrs of one being there then not does affect one mentally but what this has done to me is be more self conscious like you wrote do they care if you give more or less you'll never see in them only with actions but the only one that cares is ME whether l give 100% or less l know and wouldn't care if anyone cared l know my heart tried and and lm content with it so life goes on and tests us.
I think many people assume people stay in emotionally unsatisfying relationships because they “lack standards,” when often the reality is far sadder and more complex than that. The nervous system becomes acclimated to emotional scarcity the way eyes adjust to dim rooms. Eventually you stop realizing how little light there actually is.
And the line about “patience becoming self abandonment” is devastating because so many compassionate people confuse endurance with love.
They keep understanding.
Keep contextualizing.
Keep empathizing.
Keep waiting for consistency to emerge from potential.
Meanwhile their own needs become quieter and quieter until they almost disappear from the relationship entirely.
What struck me most is the distinction between imperfection and chronic emotional hunger.
No human being will meet every need perfectly. We all fail each other sometimes. But there is a profound difference between ordinary human limitation and relational patterns that leave someone perpetually anxious, underfed emotionally, unseen, or negotiating for basic care.
And honestly, people who grew up adapting to inconsistency often become extraordinarily skilled at surviving on crumbs.
A delayed text becomes intimacy.
A rare vulnerable moment becomes proof of transformation.
Temporary warmth becomes enough to overwrite months of distance.
Not because they are foolish.
Because hope is powerful.
Because attachment is powerful.
Because familiar deprivation can masquerade as love for a very long time.
I think the closing question is the real center of the piece:
“Why did I learn to survive with so little?”
That question reaches far beyond romance. It touches childhood, nervous systems, attachment, shame, fear of abandonment, and the quiet ways people learn to disappear themselves in order to remain connected.
And once you truly ask it, relationships begin to look very different.
Nailed it! And so on time that I found this today. I've done a lot of work and practice, especially years ago with NVC (nonviolent communication), and one important takeaway is that our needs are never at odds with each other. As human beings, we share similar needs in life. It is our "strategies" for having those needs met where the challenges can, and do, arise! And that's where everything in this article is so relevant especially for those of us who understand that "we're all in this together" in a world where fear and a sense of lack and even desperation generates behavior that is hurtful at best and unsatisfactory in both the short and long run. And so, as I in so many others have done we shape ourselves initially from a sense of compassion and even love, but it spiles downward really quickly just as the article when we lose ourselves in the process. So thank you so much. I will be reading this a few more times today because I am literally at a point of needing to turn some things around in a good way and to trust that in doing that, I will still be benefiting others as well. Thank you.🙏💛🌻
Uhg. This hit home. It has taken me years to understand this. I am just now taking my first steps into asking for more and the doubt and guilt and fear are loud. Thank you for this piece. It is a perfect reminder that I am NOT asking for too much. I am ALLOWED to want more. It just feels scary because it is new, not because I am wrong
You are not choosing less because it feels good. You are choosing less because it feels known. This! I stayed not because I was naive. But because the dynamic felt familiar in a way that went back much further than the marriage. I already knew how to wait. How to explain. How to make myself smaller so the distance between us felt manageable.
It hurt. But it did not surprise me. And that is what this piece helped me understand. The question was never why did I stay. The question was rather: when did I learn that this was what love looked like? 😏
This resonates so much with me. Currently I am at a phase in my life where this really hits me and I can't stand anymore that I settled for less then I deserve.
This is so profound. As humans we tend gradually normalize what is not aligned with our needs.
This is such a thorough breakdown of how self-abandonment happens, and it happens in a slow, subtle way. 👏🏼👏🏼
Very insightful 🤍
That's absolutely true, we shouldn't settle for less than we deserve. I'm not saying this out of ego; it's a reminder we shouldn't forget.
This is powerful never did l see it this way, at times l never abandoned myself or lessened myself but one thing l can really say is that it was all about being there never thought about myself but l finally realized it when l lost my partner everything stopped and was lost in all of this but l truly can say lm more stable bc 26yrs of one being there then not does affect one mentally but what this has done to me is be more self conscious like you wrote do they care if you give more or less you'll never see in them only with actions but the only one that cares is ME whether l give 100% or less l know and wouldn't care if anyone cared l know my heart tried and and lm content with it so life goes on and tests us.
This is painfully accurate.
Especially the part about familiarity.
I think many people assume people stay in emotionally unsatisfying relationships because they “lack standards,” when often the reality is far sadder and more complex than that. The nervous system becomes acclimated to emotional scarcity the way eyes adjust to dim rooms. Eventually you stop realizing how little light there actually is.
And the line about “patience becoming self abandonment” is devastating because so many compassionate people confuse endurance with love.
They keep understanding.
Keep contextualizing.
Keep empathizing.
Keep waiting for consistency to emerge from potential.
Meanwhile their own needs become quieter and quieter until they almost disappear from the relationship entirely.
What struck me most is the distinction between imperfection and chronic emotional hunger.
No human being will meet every need perfectly. We all fail each other sometimes. But there is a profound difference between ordinary human limitation and relational patterns that leave someone perpetually anxious, underfed emotionally, unseen, or negotiating for basic care.
And honestly, people who grew up adapting to inconsistency often become extraordinarily skilled at surviving on crumbs.
A delayed text becomes intimacy.
A rare vulnerable moment becomes proof of transformation.
Temporary warmth becomes enough to overwrite months of distance.
Not because they are foolish.
Because hope is powerful.
Because attachment is powerful.
Because familiar deprivation can masquerade as love for a very long time.
I think the closing question is the real center of the piece:
“Why did I learn to survive with so little?”
That question reaches far beyond romance. It touches childhood, nervous systems, attachment, shame, fear of abandonment, and the quiet ways people learn to disappear themselves in order to remain connected.
And once you truly ask it, relationships begin to look very different.
Love it more and more
Nailed it! And so on time that I found this today. I've done a lot of work and practice, especially years ago with NVC (nonviolent communication), and one important takeaway is that our needs are never at odds with each other. As human beings, we share similar needs in life. It is our "strategies" for having those needs met where the challenges can, and do, arise! And that's where everything in this article is so relevant especially for those of us who understand that "we're all in this together" in a world where fear and a sense of lack and even desperation generates behavior that is hurtful at best and unsatisfactory in both the short and long run. And so, as I in so many others have done we shape ourselves initially from a sense of compassion and even love, but it spiles downward really quickly just as the article when we lose ourselves in the process. So thank you so much. I will be reading this a few more times today because I am literally at a point of needing to turn some things around in a good way and to trust that in doing that, I will still be benefiting others as well. Thank you.🙏💛🌻
Uhg. This hit home. It has taken me years to understand this. I am just now taking my first steps into asking for more and the doubt and guilt and fear are loud. Thank you for this piece. It is a perfect reminder that I am NOT asking for too much. I am ALLOWED to want more. It just feels scary because it is new, not because I am wrong
You are not choosing less because it feels good. You are choosing less because it feels known. This! I stayed not because I was naive. But because the dynamic felt familiar in a way that went back much further than the marriage. I already knew how to wait. How to explain. How to make myself smaller so the distance between us felt manageable.
It hurt. But it did not surprise me. And that is what this piece helped me understand. The question was never why did I stay. The question was rather: when did I learn that this was what love looked like? 😏
DK, The Unraveling 🤍
This resonates so much with me. Currently I am at a phase in my life where this really hits me and I can't stand anymore that I settled for less then I deserve.
I needed to read this today. It is the definition of the life I currently live. Thank you for sharing.