Sometimes people do not chase being needed because they want attention. They chase it because being useful once felt like the safest way to stay close.
This was so beautifully articulated, thank you. I think so many women especially are trapped in this way of thinking without even realising it. And we can't blame women for doing so when patriarchy enforces high expectations on women to be useful and do for others above all else.
How can I fix this? Sometimes I feel ashamed when I don’t help others, especially because I’m often the one who needs help. I tend to neglect my own needs for the sake of making others comfortable
Thank you for this important article! It’s a great reality check & a way for the “over-givers” among us to check in with ourselves. I think it’s worth noting that such patterns can create other harmful patterns. People-pleasing patterns developed as children who feel unloved, unseen or unaccepted can lead to other self-worth related problematic patterns (eg inability to create healthy boundaries) that can leave a child & adult vulnerable to patterns of abuse/trauma etc & those traumas can lead to chronic illnesses in later life. Your work should be taught in schools. B ♥️
This is such an important insight. As a psychologist, I often have these conversations with patients. One of the harder things is getting the individual to realize that if they make changes, even healthy changes, the dynamics have already been set, and the system will buck against those kind of changes. Great read!
This captures such an important distinction: being valued for what we provide is not the same as being loved for who we are. When usefulness once protected connection, receiving care without earning it can feel surprisingly vulnerable. Healing may involve noticing when kindness has quietly become self-abandonment—and learning that reciprocity is not selfishness. We can remain generous, caring people while also allowing ourselves to have needs, limits, tired days, and empty hands. The relationships worth keeping make room for all of us, not only the parts that are useful.
This is the part many people miss. Being needed can feel like love because it gives you a role. But a role is not the same as real intimacy. The real pattern is this: when being useful becomes your safety strategy, you start measuring your worth by how much people depend on you. That is not connection, it is performance disguised as closeness.
This was so beautifully articulated, thank you. I think so many women especially are trapped in this way of thinking without even realising it. And we can't blame women for doing so when patriarchy enforces high expectations on women to be useful and do for others above all else.
How can I fix this? Sometimes I feel ashamed when I don’t help others, especially because I’m often the one who needs help. I tend to neglect my own needs for the sake of making others comfortable
I feel the same exact way.
Thank you for this important article! It’s a great reality check & a way for the “over-givers” among us to check in with ourselves. I think it’s worth noting that such patterns can create other harmful patterns. People-pleasing patterns developed as children who feel unloved, unseen or unaccepted can lead to other self-worth related problematic patterns (eg inability to create healthy boundaries) that can leave a child & adult vulnerable to patterns of abuse/trauma etc & those traumas can lead to chronic illnesses in later life. Your work should be taught in schools. B ♥️
This names something I’ve been feeling for a long time.
This is such an important insight. As a psychologist, I often have these conversations with patients. One of the harder things is getting the individual to realize that if they make changes, even healthy changes, the dynamics have already been set, and the system will buck against those kind of changes. Great read!
This hurts. Especially when everyone leaves or no longer connects because youve stopped doing. One of the worst parts, this was a learned behavior.
Exactly. There is no one to do right loving. There never was. There isn't now.
I burst into tears after reading this - it felt like I’d been holding those tears my entire life.
Thank you for writing it so eloquently and gently. 🙏
How do I break out of this cycle?😭
I can't stop weeping.
I have only one question.
I may be allowed all you say I'm allowed. But there is no one to do it. NO ONE.
It was such an important insight. Thank you so much, I have really learnt something from it, and hopefully it will help me through my changing process
I feel this. Thank you for putting it into words. ☺️
This captures such an important distinction: being valued for what we provide is not the same as being loved for who we are. When usefulness once protected connection, receiving care without earning it can feel surprisingly vulnerable. Healing may involve noticing when kindness has quietly become self-abandonment—and learning that reciprocity is not selfishness. We can remain generous, caring people while also allowing ourselves to have needs, limits, tired days, and empty hands. The relationships worth keeping make room for all of us, not only the parts that are useful.
Thank you. Probably this is what I needed to hear today.
Wow! Real talk. Thanks for that session. How much do I owe? 🙂
So many of us are stuck in this cycle without even realize we are and one which requires conscious effort and self love to break
This is the part many people miss. Being needed can feel like love because it gives you a role. But a role is not the same as real intimacy. The real pattern is this: when being useful becomes your safety strategy, you start measuring your worth by how much people depend on you. That is not connection, it is performance disguised as closeness.
For some of us, it all we've ever had.
For some of us, it is we've ever had.